party pooper

so i'm turning thirty in a week and a half and i thought maybe i should mark the occasion and throw myself a party. you know- where you invite all your friends, make yourself the center of attention. sort of like a debutante ball. the new york times wrote an article about thirty being the new 21 a few weeks back (which i can no longer access because the stupid ny times on-line makes you pay for things from more than one week old), and it seems as though thirty is going around. accompanied by the "ok. now i'm gettin' serious and i want everyone to know about it" mental attitude.

so i've been thinking about it for weeks. where? who? how? bbq? cocktails? bbq and cocktails? games? dancing? you know, the usual party dilemmas. then yesterday- a day before i'm about to send out an invitation, i got the severe party anxiety. the gripping fear that no one will come and i will have made a huge deal about myself and not one person will care. i imagine myself standing alone with a bunch of balloons and uneaten food. it's this image, coupled with the realization that i really don't want to put myself at the center of attention, that makes me not want to force everyone to look at me for a whole evening.

strange. i'm a leo. i'm supposed to love this shit.